By Chester Duke Carson

Don’t quote me on the “III,” but I’m about 86% certain that’s correct.

Before we get going, though, on what might be worthwhile in theaters in the next several weeks… I need to get something off of my chest. I have a confession. And there is really no point in lying to you because when my review of “Mamma Mia!” comes out on Thursday, you’ll know anyway.

I… liked… “Mamma Mia!”… there, I said it.

Now, quickly, let’s move on so as not to dwell on that embarrassment.

This Friday (July 25^th):

“Step Brothers” marks the post “Semi-Pro” return to the big screen of Mr. Will Ferrell. The previews look promising; I’ll believe it when I see it. Ferrell has to win me back after that last trav-a-sham-ockery.

“The X-Files: I Want To Believe” should be applauded, no matter how the movie turns out to be, for the incredibly tight lock and key the plot has been kept under. Seriously, even with the trailers finally unveiled several weeks ago I don’t think anyone knows exactly what the movie’s about. That’s pretty cool, and very X-Files appropriate.

August 8^th:

“The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2” takes the lead in the worst-trailer-currently-in-theaters races now that “Mamma Mia!” is in release. All jokes aside, how does one explain that pair of jeans fitting four very differently proportioned young ladies?

August 22^nd:

“Death Race” looks like a good action flick. Period. Jason Statham’s presence alone adds a solid does of cool. Joan Allen, too, is a proven commodity in the icy-villainess role.

August 29^th:

“Traitor” appears to have a shot at being not only very good, but interesting and intelligent. My man-crush on Don Cheadle doesn’t hurt my enthusiasm either.

Finally, I have to warn you about a problem that is much bigger than I’d thought. I’ve said before that the Disney Channel needs to be stopped; they are clearly a highly powerful cult of some kind. And now, having witnessed a trailer for “High School Musical 3: Senior Year” – I’m in fear. Something has to be done. But what? We have until October 24^th to figure it out.

By Chester Duke Carson

So the day has finally come. “Mamma Mia!” is in theaters – 2,976 screens country-wide – whether we like it or not. It’s a fantastic day for those of you that have grown as sick of the trailer as I.

On the other hand, in perhaps the most predictable example of instant karma I’ve experienced to date, it’s a sobering day if your editor just emailed you with the news that you’ll be watching not just the trailer, but the entire film this weekend. And writing about it. If I like it as much as the two critics on the local National Public Radio station said they did earlier today (they despised it), it should at least be a good platform to rant from in next Thursday’s Hooligan. 

Apparently Meryl Streep and I are officially at war. I can’t prove it, but I know she reads this blog and decided to stick it to me by calling the Hooligan editors and ensuring I had to go see the film…

Of course the big news today isn’t that an ABBA-based-musical-turned-feature-film is opening, it’s that Batman has finally returned.

“The Dark Knight” opens in an all-time record 4,366 theaters today. If you’ve managed to avoid the barrage of trailers recently, click here. Unlike “Mamma Mia!” it’s worth the 3 minutes of your life required. Also unlike “Mamma Mia!,” critics are raving about director Christopher Nolan’s film (94% rating at Rotten Tomatoes). Word around the Los Angeles area is that just about every show-time for “The Dark Knight” is sold out already through at least Monday.

Lucky for me, then, that I am reviewing “Mamma Mia!” I suppose.

And yes, that’s me trying to convince myself. It’s not really working. If anyone has already seen Heath Ledger’s final performance, let us know how it was. This is one that will definitely be penciled into my calendar one way or the other, even if I have to wait a few weeks for the crowds to die down.

A few weeks ago in lieu of an actual review for the Hooligan I wrote a look ahead to the summer offerings, including assigning a Chances It’s Worth Your Cash (CIWYC) rating. If memory serves, “The Dark Knight” got a 100%. Early word of mouth only strengthens that position.

See you in line!

By Chester Duke Carson

Darius Rucker (the Hootie who leads those musical Blowfish) once sung about how the [Miami] Dolphins make him cry. I’ve always felt a bond between Darius and me for that very reason; the Dolphins really have made me cry, but I swear not for several months. If you follow the NFL at all you probably are aware that last year my (and Darius’) beloved Dolphins got very, very, very, very close to going 0-16.

They won a game. Singular. In overtime. I cried. They were tears of relief, mind you, so it wasn’t like it was totally girly.

Where am I going with this, you ask? Well, it’s like this:

Just as I longed each week of the NFL season last year for the Dolphins to “just win a game!” so that I could remove that feeling of dread from my every day life, I’ve been eying this upcoming Friday (the 18th) for some time now because it too will remove a dark cloud from my consciousness. That dark cloud stars Meryl Streep (pictured).

And while I have nothing against Streep (we own “The Devil Wears Prada” for crying out loud), she’s at least partly to blame for this: “Mamma Mia!”

That preview has been haunting theaters for months. I should know, because I’ve seen it – no joke – at least 10 times (10 different screens, 10 different movies, same gag inducing preview). The 2 ½ minute trailer tells you all you need to know about the story (girl’s getting married, has 3 possible fathers, and they sing a lot of ABBA songs). On paper, the cast would seem to offer a promising film.

“On paper”, though, doesn’t include this trailer.

Anyway, the point is this: “Mamma Mia!” sings its way into a theater near you this Friday. If I hear that you went, I will tell my friend Phil to give you a swift kick in the shins should he ever meet you (trust me, he’ll do it). No matter what, though, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Miami won a game last year, and the “Mamma Mia!” trailer has no reason to continue its reign of terror past this Friday.

Tears of joy, friends. Tears of joy.

“Mamma Mia!” countdown: 3 days!

By Chester Duke Carson

Big Willie Weekend has come and gone, and if numbers are any indication most of us went to see “Hancock” already (Will Smith’s annual summer blockbuster is already past $130 million despite being widely panned). So what does this weekend bring?

It’s a trio of big budget films, two of which I hope to never see.

The first of those two is Eddie Murphy’s latest, “Meet Dave.” It doesn’t look quite as bad as “The Adventures of Pluto Nash,” but it does seem to be playing in the same league. Each time I see the preview linked above, I grow more and more convinced I never, ever want to meet Dave.

The second of the two films debuting I hope to never see? “Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D.” Maybe it being in 3D will make it worthwhile (and worth your money), but Brendan Frasier is in my doghouse. Plus, in the trailer the kid says, “I call front.” No, idiot, it’s shotgun. I call shotgun. Sheesh.

Alas, the third new film this weekend is one I’m curious about – and as it happens it’s the one my editors have assigned me to: “Hellboy II: The Golden Army.” I wasn’t that impressed with 2004’s original, but the fact that Guillermo del Toro (“Pan’s Labyrinth”) wrote and directed this one helps the movie’s stock in advance. Besides, after Will Smith’s superhero sort of put a damper on the summer of superheroes (at least as far as critics are concerned), maybe Hellboy’s timing is perfect. Personally, I’m hoping I can drag the little lady to “Hellboy II” because I’m tired of answering questions after each preview on TV.

“Why is he red?” Because he’s from Hell. “Is he bad?” No, he’s good. “I thought you said he as from Hell.” I did. “I don’t get it.” Me neither, let’s just go see it.

And finally, in perhaps the day’s best news as far as movies and trailers go…

“Mamma Mia!” trailer-end-of-reign-of-terror-countdown:
In one short week, “Mamma Mia!” hits theaters; in one short week the trailer will hopefully exit theaters forever. If you haven’t had the misfortune of seeing it yet, click here: Mamma Mia! One short week. One short week…

By Chester Duke Carson

Across the street from my apartment, there’s a movie theater that sells
their tickets for $3. All seats. All times. Hot dogs are $1. I don’t know
how they’re able to make any money and I don’t care. It’s a wonderful thing.
The movies are the ones that are at the bitter end of their box office
tours, but who cares? Three bucks!

It was at this theater I decided to catch “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”
yesterday.

My two cents on the Judd Apatow produced comedy.

Penis.

Whoa! Excuse me? Sorry about that. Seriously, though, that was what much of
the buzz behind “Marshall” was about. Penis. Writer/star Jason Segel said he
wanted to start showing we moviegoers that male frontal nudity isn’t a big
deal. So, by showing his, umm, frontal parts… we will get used to it? I
don’t know. I’m trying to understand. But count me in for the group that can
do without the male frontal still.

Otherwise, the movie is a cute little rom-com. Some Apatow regulars show up
in the cast and are funny as usual (Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd). The story is not
especially clever but it works as well as any FPJ flick (Freddie Prinze Jr.)
and yes, in case you were wondering, that is the measuring stick for any
rom-com. In fact, other than ubiquitous penis, the one detractor in the film
is Segel himself. Maybe the jump from CBS (”How I Met Your Mother”) to the
big screen was too much for him, because he seems to alternate from
seemingly mildly uncomfortable to completely bored - sometimes delivering
his dialogue at a decible level so low I’m not sure my dog could hear it.
But hey, if Dwayne Johnson can do it, so can you, Jason!

….

I now know I’m not the only person repulsed by the world’s worst movie
trailer (”Mamma Mia!“).
People have backed me up here on the blog, and I overheard two teenage boys
talking about it next to the movie poster the other day. I’m not enough of a
potty mouth to print what they said, but it was obvious they hated the
preview as much as I do.

In any case, the preview ends in: 9 days!

It’s our country’s birthday. Yay!

More importantly, at least as far as movies go, it’s the weekend we’ve come to know as Will Smith Weekend. “Independence Day,” “Men in Black,” and “Wild Wild West” all swept into movie theaters on this weekend in the past. And even if Will Smith would like you to forget he ever made “Wild Wild West,” it fit the formula for summer blockbuster at the time (namely, it starred Smith). For the record, while “West” is rightfully considered a flop ($170 million production budget; $114 million domestic box office take), it did wind up earning money worldwide.

The point is that Will Smith IS what the summer blockbuster season is all about.

“Hancock” looks to be the latest in Smith’s line of massive summer successes at the American box office.

Early reviews are decidedly mixed, but the consensus seems to be that Peter Berg’s new film takes a wrong turn about halfway through. The concept (superhero hates being a superhero; superhero hires public relations guy to help image) is an interesting one, but a major re-shoot took place only two months ago – and that is never a good sign. If you are one to put things together before actually seeing it yourself…

Major re-shoot + reviews that say the film can’t decide on what it is = letdown.

Still, how can you not check out “Hancock”? It can’t possibly be any worse than “Wild Wild West.” While I’ve yet to get the official word from the powers that be, the smart money says I’ll be deciding for myself on “Hancock” this weekend and passing my thoughts along to you on Thursday via the Hooligan.

Other than “Hancock” – there ain’t much. Abigail Breslin stars as “Kit Kittredge: An American Girl,” but the movie’s opening on about half as many screens as “Hancock,” and really, who cares? I’ve already stated I believe Breslin to be very much overrated. But hey, if the youngsters are dying to see it… well, be sure and let me know how it was.

Watch this: “http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3165782297/”
Did you throw up a little bit in your mouth? I’m sorry. Only 14 more days until that preview will forever disappear!

“Vantage Point” is now on DVD. It’s worth taking home for a night. Just take this advice: enjoy the ride and don’t ask too many questions.

“Made of Honor,” which I refuse to include any sort of link for, has finally fallen out of the Top 10 at the box office. Well, truthfully, this probably happened a while ago, but I only went looking just now. So, my fellow moviegoers, congrats. I don’t know what took you so long, though. And really, I don’t know if anyone in Hollywood learned a lesson because according to Box Office Mojo “Made of Honor” has actually netted money thanks to a $46 million domestic take on a $40 million budget.

All I’m saying is, don’t blame me when the next Patrick “I’m so smug that even I am annoyed at me” Dempsey rom-com hits a theater near you.

“WALL-E,” which my sister has already seen twice, is worth the price of admission. Maybe even some popcorn and a soda. Let’s face it, someone saying, “Pixar knows what they’re doing,” is just about as shocking as a Lakers fan saying, “Kobe didn’t do it.” But it’s true. Pixar knows what they’re doing.

Gillian Anderson, who was 24 years old when “The X-Files” first hit our TV screens (she’s now almost 40) on FOX, says she was a bit out of shape for the start of filming on “The X-Files: I Want to Believe.” Well, maybe Ms. Anderson wasn’t prepared for this movie (don’t say sequel, because from what I gather it isn’t technically a sequel… it’s an isolated story and not related to the first movie), but I know I am. It seemed like “The X-Files” were done forever after the first movie and then the end of the television show.

Now, though?

Less than a month away, folks. July 25th. And I’m aware the last flick I promoted heavily in this space (thanks for nothing, Indiana) disappointed, so consider this my comeback. I’m calling it now.

Believe in the X-Files, friends.

Oh, and speaking of countdowns:

Days until the merciful end of the “Mamma Mia!” preview, which, all jokes aside, now gets that song stuck in my head merely thinking about it – 17

Friday was an interesting day in the middle of the summer blockbuster season. Two big-time films hit the screens, and they couldn’t be more different.

Chances are decent that you’ve seen some sort of advertisement for “Wanted,” unless you don’t ever use the internet, don’t ever watch TV, or haven’t been to a movie theater in at least a year. And I have to admit that up until about 30 seconds ago, I was planning on writing here that I had grown weary of this hyper-stylized action flick. I was planning on warning you (without seeing it yet myself) that it promised to be over-the-top silly and a likely letdown.

And then I tested the link I posted above and watched the 2 ½ minute trailer.

Now I’m really excited to plop down my cash and see what it’s all about; I might even splurge for some concessions. You’ve probably never heard of director Timur Bekmambetov, but don’t sweat it. If you ask anyone in Russia, they’ll tell you the dude can direct action, and “Wanted” looks to be 100 percent pure.

What’s the other movie? Pixar’s latest (so if it’s bad it would truly be a shocker), “WALL-E.” So if you aren’t in the mood for bullets and violence, maybe the exact opposite will do! In a refreshing twist, Pixar is going with something other than talking animals.

Try robots. I, for one, long for the days of Johnny-5. Perhaps “WALL-E” is just the cat to quench that longing.

Seriously, name the last “kid’s” flick Pixar did that wasn’t fantastic. I double-dare you.

Days until the merciful end of the “Mamma Mia!” preview, known to not only suck but also to get that damned song stuck in your head = 19.

By Chester Duke Carson

Having once again witnessed the marvel that is Jessica Alba on screen (I was forced to see “The Love Guru” - you can see my post-traumatic review Thursday at Clubhooligan), I’ve been temporarily inspired. Alba is so untalented it defies reason that she keeps getting lead roles in big movies; the reason, of course, is that she is attractive enough to lure males of all ages to the box office in spite of her lack of acting ability.

In any case, I’ve decided to create a scale to rate Alba’s effect on a movie’s appeal to my fellow males. Bursting with originality today, I’ll call it “The Jessica Alba Scale.”

We’ll start at “0″ for each film. Then we’ll subtract up to ten points for her horrible acting. After subtracting the acting points, we’ll award the “hotness” points (up to ten). The final number should be a good indicator to the fellas as to whether the movie is worth sitting through.

And yes, I realize how ridiculous this is. Off we go!

“The Love Guru” – (- 5 for the acting, +4 for the looks) = -1 on the J.A. Scale
Note: She’s bad in “Guru,” but she’s not the worst thing about the film. On the other hand, her looks aren’t flaunted as much as usual. Her overall effect is a negative one, and the fact that the movie debuted miserably in 4th place seems to back that up.

“Into the Blue” – (-4 for the acting, +8 for the looks) = +4 on the J.A. Scale
Note: Her acting wasn’t as annoying here, probably because she was opposite an equally untalented Paul Walker. The body was showed off a lot – a lot! – as the film takes place in the Caribbean. In other words: bikinis.

“Sin City” – (-7 for the acting, +9 for the looks) = +2 on the J.A. Scale
Note: She is just terrible in “Sin City,” but the film overall is interesting to watch and she’s surrounded by a very talented cast. Oh, and she looks… amazing. So while her effect is moderately positive, the film stands up well on its own.

I think we’ll stop here for today. Feel free to suggest tweaks to this system. Gents, I think we are onto something here, though.

Ladies, I apologize for this bluntness of this notion. Maybe we can create a similar system to rate Matthew McConaughey movies…

Days until the merciful end of vomit inducing previews for “Mamma Mia!” = 24

By Chester Duke Carson

True story: I’m pouting right now.

I realize that’s not a great story. It’s just that my go-to-site for my movie research (movies.com), has suddenly been completely reformatted. And by reformatted I mean I can no longer navigate my way around the site in any sort of cohesive manner. It would appear Fandango bought the site or something.

This is seriously bumming me out.

Alright, regrouping and moving on. Two biggies opened this weekend. The early word of mouth on one is decent; the early word on the other is piss-poor. That’s right, I said piss-poor.

Mike Meyers returns to the big screen this weekend in “The Love Guru.” You can probably guess if you have seen the trailer, that “Guru” is the flick receiving the bad press. I, of course, am hoping I’ll be in the minority and enjoy “Guru,” as I’ve been assigned to review it by my editors. On the other hand, sometimes it is more fun to write a scathing review, so we’ll see. I do enjoy reveling in the anti-skill that “actress” Jessica Alba shows off. In any case, you’ll get my thoughts Thursday on whether Meyers is worthy of your cash.

(By the way, my girlfriend said something today that I was unable to argue with: Meyers seems stuck in the role of Austin Powers. He’s got a beard here, and he isn’t British, but the feel is almost identical. When was the last time — and “Shrek” doesn’t count — Meyers did something un-Austin Powers?)

The other opener, getting at least a mixed bag from critics, is “Get Smart.” The TV show from the 1960s gets a remake. Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Dwayne “Don’t-Call-Me-The-Rock” Johnson and Anne Hathaway headline a very talented cast, on paper at least. The preview is a bit iffy in my book, although, as I’ve said before, the audiences I’ve seen it with universally enjoy it. The other thing that tempered my enthusiasm for “Get Smart” was an interview I heard Carell give on Dan Patrick’s sports radio show. When Patrick asked Carell if the movie was more “Naked Gun” or “Bourne Identity,” Carell said the latter.

Really? Maybe he was just playing it cool, thinking Patrick’s listeners would be put off by the idea of a “Naked Gun”-type comedy. Instead, I’m just confused. Does that preview remind you at all, even in the tiniest way, of any of the Bourne movies? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! (First person to name the movie I just quoted gets … ah … a thumb’s up from me.)

Countdown to the end of the most annoying trailer this year, by far (“Mamma Mia!”): 28 days.